I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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