I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Randomize
