"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
