yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
