On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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