I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
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