Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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