i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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