i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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