Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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