i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
