I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
My life is pants optional.
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