Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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