So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Of course I have a pirate flag
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
