It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
