No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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