Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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