Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
