So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
