oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
