hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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