Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
