the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
