Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
