so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
