never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
