If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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