No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
This gyro tastes like lonliness
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
