yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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