who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize