just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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