They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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