I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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