when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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