Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
