She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
