Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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