Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
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