So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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