I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
