I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
