My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
