my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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