i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I need water and some morals
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
