I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
