I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
