she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
