I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
