i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
