What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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