im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
My bed is full of blood and feathers
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
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