How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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