It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
