so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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