Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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