it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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