just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I've blown a few things in my day
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Randomize
