I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
